Bad timing; The wrong amount of WTF?; Uncle Sheldon speaks

Surely the worst entertainment coverage in Vegas is Wayne’s World, penned by former Lance Burton flack Wayne Bernath. A copy of his April effort (pictured) is available upon request, as it’s sure to be a collector’s item — along the lines of those postage stamps that depicted not the actual Statue of Liberty, as intended, but New York-New York‘s midget version. Bernath leads with his chin by declaring “the best evening magic show in Las Vegas” to be — no, not Penn & Teller — but newly defunct Avant Garde, the John Fondy flop that opened officially on a Thursday at Plaza Las Vegas and closed the following Monday. “You can’t miss with this,” writes a breathless Bernath. Oh, yes you can and, yes, he did. The Las Vegas Review-Journal‘s Mike Weatherford had an interesting account yesterday of how Avant Garde cast members mutinied against having to perform sans salary (the original, mystery backer having done a vanishing act of his own) and the anti-Fondy faction will try to arrange new financing.

Weatherford also has the bon mot of the week. He describes the fiasco as “hosted by an old-school comedy magician (Michael Finney) in a blazing red suit Santa Claus might wear in the off-season.” Zing!

Yesterday’s big announcement from identity-challenged Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas, that PlayStation 3 video games would be available in its new EA Sports Bar gives even more reason to wonder if either Deutsche Bank or CEO John Unwin knows how to make back the cost of their expensive curio, which has allegedly shed over 30 members of its management team already. While there are many adults who have grown up with video games (and vice versa, for those of us who remember their early, primitive form), need I remind Deutsche Bank that the Cosmo is — and the news may come as a shock — a casino? A $4 billion casino, no less?

Guys hangin’ out at the sports bar, knocking back some suds and playing FIFA 12 aren’t going to recoup your big investment … unless you can work it so people pay for the privilege of playing games they regularly enjoy for free at home. And never mind that customers toggling Madden NFL 12 in the bar aren’t putting coins in the slots or laying money on the green felt.

Which brings me to one of the best feeds on Twitter, @JohnUnwinning, a running satire on the Cosmo CEO and his property’s air of obliviousness to that the fact that it is a casino and gambling revenue is what makes ends meet. Gems include:

“Are you sick of long lines at the sportsbook and a crowded casino floor? Come to the cosmo, the 8 people here will not bother you”

“The Cosmo is 1 year old, happy b-day to my little resort…I may celebrate by gambling…I hear the Wynn has a nice Casino”

“Coming this summer; Who In The Hell Are They? A summer music series of nothing but hipster bands, attend all 8 shows get a free knit beanie”

“I’ve been informed those were not fireworks; they were slot machines. Did you know those things light up and stuff?”

If you would like more in a similar vein, try @UncleSheldon, which channels the essence of Strip’s most obstreperous mogul:

“We may be the Costco of the strip, but at least our website looks better than @wynnlasvegas.com”

“Harmon? Sold. I can haul it to the top of Barneys. Maybe two half buildings will make a whole.”

“Been mulling over the books. Might be nice to buy the Sahara, stucco and TJMaxx it up and open it up as the Tuscan. $299 a night I think.”

Now if only we could find a Sam Nazarian impostor …